I recently watched a movie* that took my thoughts back to my college years and my relationship with my first girlfriend. I used to say and even thought that I loved this young lady but all I loved was pleasing myself sexually with her. There were no thoughts during that period of my life of honoring God or treating this woman with honor and respect by not engaging or stopping my sexual immorality with her. My wrong use of sex which You, God, created to be in a loving faithful relationship between a man and woman in marriage led to her unplanned pregnancy.
God, my failure as a man in my relationship with my girlfriend continued as I failed to value the new life that was growing in her womb. This was a life that I was called to protect and provide for. But all my self-centered mind could think of was how this unplanned pregnancy was not good for me. At that time in my life I was so far from You, God, and did not care about anybody but myself. I made it very clear that I thought the best thing for us to do was to have an abortion. I left the full weight and responsibility of this pregnancy on a 19 year old young woman's shoulders because I failed to man up. She had the abortion. But it was my actions that led her to this place. Yet society gave me a free pass to shirk my responsibility by framing the decision of whether our baby lived or died as a woman's right to choose.
God I never thought of the painful decision and trauma of the abortion for my college girlfriend. I am so sad and it pains me to think that she may have had to carry the weight of guilt, shame, and condemnation for the abortion around for the past 31 years. God, I ask, that if she has not already, that You give her an encounter with Jesus so that she may know and experience Your forgiveness, grace, and love. I ask that You would heal her hurts, bind her wounds, and restore her life. God, grant her the grace to forgive me for bailing on her and failing her when she needed me to step up and be a man to protect her and our child.
Sadly, at that time I thought that I was being a man not realizing my failure to be a man would lead to years of devastating consequences, guilt, loss, shame, and pain. I was so blind, so lost. Jesus, thank You for opening my eyes and finding me. Your forgiveness and grace have transformed my life. I often wonder why You have been so good and merciful to me in spite of my sin against You. I cannot explain it. All I know is that it does not make sense to my natural mind why You came to the junk yard to salvage me back to life. You've made me an object of Your affection and a trophy of Your amazing and radical grace. All I can say is thank you!!!
God, I know that all I deserve from You for the rest of eternity is Your wrath to be poured out on me. Thank You for demonstrating Your love towards me (us) in this that while I (we) was yet a sinner Christ died for me (us). And God if that is how You loved me when I was living in hostility towards You how much more do You love me now that I have been reconciled to You through faith in Jesus Christ. I do not understand why You've allowed the things that have happened in my life or allowed me to go the way that I have gone. But I ask this that You'd use the story of Your redeeming love in my life to bless others and bring great destruction to the works of the devil. In Jesus' name, Amen!!!
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